Quiet Screams
by revenge and rebirth
Summary: Will you come, God, my God? Will you come and be with me and only me?" Mikami-centric Rating for content


**Rating for content/same-sex relations**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or situations but I do own a wall scroll of shirtless!Light..

**Quiet Screams  
**

And he grabs Mikami by hair, by the hair on the nape of his neck, and Mikami can feel his sweet breath on his own cheeks

And his heart is thumping in his chest, loudly, so loudly he doubts his God cannot hear it.

It does not unsettle Mikami that his God is so rough with him, because he worships his God and it is his life's desire to fulfill every word, every order, every single slip of a command that his God's beautiful lips might utter.

So he bows his head in obedience to his God when he asks him to bare his body for him, when he places his hands on Mikami's body and runs them across Mikami's skin and traces his lips across Mikami's neck, but never kisses him.

And when he leaves, Mikami sits at his window and looks up at the sky, at the stars and he prays.

"God, are you listening to me?" he asks as he brings his hands to his mouth, his fingers curling tightly into fists.

And, "God, can you hear me? Can you hear me when I tell you I would do anything to help you achieve your perfect World? Can you hear me when I tell you I adore you?"

He places his head lightly on the white pillow at the head of his bed. The cool cloth is pleasant against his cheek, but he stares at the ceiling before drifting to sleep with nice dreams where his God kisses him and praises him and tells him they will join hands at the gates of the new World.

--

In the morning, when the sky is orange and just turning blue with the rising sun, Mikami awakens to the sound of his cellular phone as it vibrates on the table next to his bed.

He awakens quickly, scrambling to the phone, his eyes on the little flashing red light before he flips the phone open.

"Mikami?"

The sound of his God's voice, the way his God says his name is enough to set Mikami's heart aflame, and he answers fervently, cradling the phone in his hands.

And, "Will you come, God, my God? Will you come and be with me and only me?"

There is a silence on the other line of the phone before he hears the breathing, the soft breathing. "I will come, Mikami, and you will be with me."

"Come to me, and be with only me, me."

His God comes to him and the sight of him, Mikami cannot explain. His God walks through the door, his thin hands placed delicately in his pockets as he waits for Mikami.

Mikami walks towards his God, hands outstretched and mind unable to think correctly.

The sight of his God, the sight of his God, the sight of his God.

His trembling hands touch the cold cheeks of his God and he breathes heavily because what else can he do? His God's skin is cold and smooth like stone. Mikami presses his ear to his God's chest and he can hear the smooth beating of his God's heart, like proof that his God is at least alive, at least human, at least capable of feeling.

And he looks, but his expression is always cold and calculating and Mikami never knows what to make of it.

"Mikami."

Oh God, my God, my beautiful God.

"Yes, my God," Mikami whispers, gasping suddenly as his God's fingers run through his own long hair, and Mikami is burning from his touch.

Oh, he makes Mikami _burn_ with his touch.

Mikami gasps again as his God presses his lips hotly to Mikami's neck, runs his hands across and down Mikami's neck, causing him to shiver.

His God unbuttons Mikami's shirt, but he is not delicate as his lips continue to kiss Mikami and his teeth continue to bite at Mikami's pale skin.

His God's hands are smooth too, but to Mikami they feel rough—rough like sand, like hard sand on his skin.

But he lets the hands roam across his body, probing, grazing, but never caressing like Mikami wants or needs. His God no longer speaks, only undresses Mikami and himself until they are tangled together, bare skin to cold stone.

And his God tears into him, as always, unconcerned with Mikami and Mikami stares into his God's unseeing eyes like dying embers except when they ignite as he pushes himself farther into Mikami.

Mikami can hear himself gasping in pain—the sound echoes throughout the room, but it also feels distant like the sounds are not coming from Mikami's mouth, but perhaps from someone far away, someone in another place and time who doesn't feel the way Mikami feels right now.

But this is his God—he is happy to be with his God and happy to share a bed with he whom he loves more than anything in the forsaken world they are forced to live in.

"My God, my God, I adore you, I love you," Mikami says hurriedly; he is breathless and his words come out hushed and endearing.

But his God does not say anything and his God does not kiss him. And for once, Mikami stops, blinking slowly and breathing slower.

His God has never once shown him affection. His God has never once shown him compassion or love.

And is that not what a God has for his most loyal followers? And is Mikami not his God's most loyal follower? And is Mikami not completely devoting himself and his life to his God's wish, desire, passion for the new World?

It hurts Mikami to breathe. It hurts because it feels as though his chest is caving in, crushing his lungs and crushing his heart and he cannot breathe. And he can feel the hotness in his cheeks and the burning in his throat and the corners of his eyes, but he cannot release it.

So this is what it feels like to love someone who does not love you.

So this is what it feels like, Mikami thinks, realizes.

It is the most awful thing in the world.

--

It is days later. Mikami feels heavy and his God is near, but they haven't touched.

And Mikami stares silently because his throat is dry and will his God hear him anyways?

Mikami is not anything but afraid, though his arms are very slightly outstretched, and his fingers are clawing at empty air. Empty air and empty room and empty promises.

"Mikami."

And, "Mikami, I'm leaving you now."

The crushing feeling in his chest returns and it is hard to breathe.

"Kill me, kill me, my God," he says to his God's back, because his God will not face him. He clutches his shirt, wrinkling it with his fingers, but his heart is pounding and aching and it hurts. "Oh my God, can't you hear me?! Aren't you listening?! Kill me!"

Mikami watches as his God turns slowly, his hand holding the side of his jacket as he stares at Mikami.

"You are the one I need, Mikami," he says, reaching out his hand. "You are the one I need to help me achieve the new World."

He can hear his God speaking, but the words do not form themselves in his mind. Is his God not telling him exactly what he wants to hear? Why, then, does he sound so very far away?

Why can Mikami, then, not believe the words of his God? Why is his God standing right there, but Mikami is unable to touch him?

He can feel his body trembling as he whispers again, "Kill me, kill me, oh God, kill me."

He can see the flash of anger in his God's eyes as he pulls a piece of paper from the inside of his jacket and a pen—the pen, a gift from Mikami himself.

And he writes slowly, but with clear and straight strokes, Mikami's name on a clean piece of the notebook. His God stares at the page before he looks up at Mikami.

He looks at Mikami and for once, Mikami believes that his God has _seen_ him. For once, Mikami sees a look in his God's eyes that is beyond anything else before the pain in his chest is so crushing that he closes his eyes and stops breathing.

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